Waiting For the Ocean

Religion is a very interesting thing.  It seems that no matter where one is in relation to belief systems or not, the opinions are always quite strong.  A personal understanding of the world, the universe, existence… It is an immensely vital thing.

Each flavour of the world is unique.  Your particular blend is a kiss of your personality, the touch of your experiences, tempered by your mind and reasoning.  Together we make a place of infinite possibilities and comparisons.

As with any blend, it’s possible for any flavour to overpower the others.  The sour, the bitter, the sweet, the soothing.  It takes all of us to make the essence of the world.  Religion could be useful in that so many of them are dedicated to making the world a better place.  And yet, the taste of the world currently seems brittle and harsh.

Perhaps we can begin to reach out more with our own particular brand of uniqueness and begin to spread a new flavour around the world.  And then, dear travellers, perhaps our world, our existences, will bring an age that tastes of peace and joy.

The Invention of Colour

I am here.  I am surrounded by those I do not know, those I cannot know.  I remain here with no direction from those who should be here, for they are not.  Alone within a crowd, yet no desire to merge with the others.  Sitting alone as I am alone.  Waiting alone, for those who will not appear.

Silence is the song filling my heart, and nothingness fills my soul.  Every moment is a little more of a disappointment than the last, until there is nowhere left to go, and yet, still it falls.  Deep, deep, deep down, into the murky lack that defines me.

Can you be with no one else around?

Will you be with only yourself to rely on?

The Ironies of Life

Shortly after my last blog post– with the title “Who Wants to Live Forever”– we had to take our cat to the vet.  The details are still too difficult to share.  Suffice it to say that our darling cat is now asleep and shall remain so.

It’s amazing to realize just how deeply she’d become ingrained in lives.  We only adopted her about a year ago.  Yes her absence is keenly felt.

Life is simply full of connections.  Family, friends, acquaintances.  Our pets, wildlife, the plants and, here, the sea.  No moment is defined by another, yet every moment exists because of those that preceded it.

My heart is in pain because of how dearly we loved her.  That pain, though it is painful, is something to be embraced because of the love we shared with her.  I’m glad that I am sad, though I still mourn deeply.  I would hate to not feel this level of sharpness with what the circumstances are.

Emotions are emotions.  They exist because we exist.  Accept them for what they are, and learn from why they are.

Rest, my darling.  My world was better with you in it, and I hope that yours was better for being with us.

Who Wants To Live Forever

I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to go out the last few days and write.  It’s been very nice to feel like I have a sort of work schedule.  So I celebrate that feeling today by staying home.  I have a load of towels started so I can touch up the colour on my hair.  I’ve enjoyed a bowl of cereal with banana sliced into it.

My coffee maker has just beeped to announce that the pot is ready.  After this post, I will make half a mug of hot chocolate and then pour my coffee into it with a splash of vanilla syrup.

My laid back plan for the day is to dink at the laundry, dye my hair, play Dragon Age, and maybe look at the novella I’ve been working on.  After my hair, I might even play around with some fun eye shadow!  But that might be a little too girly today.

Have a lovely day, dear travellers.  Breathe in the taste of air, look at the sky and appreciate the vast expanse that hangs over our heads.  It is a big, beautiful world, and we’re all parts of this amazing existence.  Good and bad, each moment is yours.

Growing Through Guilt

Hello, dear travellers.  I hope your day is fine and sunny, that your rain is sweet and pleasant, that your snow is cozy and packable.

It was quite chilly this morning but now I’m set-up at my favourite coffee shop, sipping my decaf, non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha with an extra pump of peppermint.  I’ve landed a wonderful table right by the windows and, thus, just a bit in the sun.  So I’m finally warmed up, and relaxed.

I have written perhaps six words, thus far.  Well, on my current project, anyway.  Today I was excited to see my publisher starting a new line of stories.  I was instantly alight with the desire to write a story for it, but there’s a bit much on my plate to do so solo.  It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!

My ‘this’ in this case (haha?) is a very good friend of mine, one might even say one of my best friends.  Actually, please do say that, because it is quite true.  She will be writing with me, if our synopsis is accepted and so I am doubly excited.  Not only do I have the chance to write in a scenario I’m very excited about, but I also have the chance to write with my best friend!  Double win!

Before I came to settle here and not actually work on my novella, I was at therapy.  We went over quite a few things, and I finally presented him with the one question I actually brought with me to the session.  And the answer was….  Fitting, yet entirely unsatisfactory.  My response of essentially those words made him laugh, and I had to join in.

Poetically, I believe in balance and nebulous thoughts and that certain something that makes the universe so mysterious.  Practically, however, I just want a checklist of things to do to make my bad feelings go away.  I want to know exactly when and why I should push through my anxiety and do some exposure therapy.  (Nothing dirty, my dears.  I know some of you are disappointed, but others are relieved.  Exposure therapy simply means to expose yourself to the thing that causes you anxiety.)  I also want a detailed list of when it is okay for me to simply retreat.

Like many things, though, it’s not that simple.  In the end, as always, I must use my own judgement to know whether to fight or flee.  Practice is the answer, says my therapist.  Practice and patience with yourself.  Some decisions are good for that situation and some are bad.  All you can do is learn from each of them.

And, in my case, come to terms with the fact that it really is okay if I can’t do something.

Safe paths on your journeys.  Every step is movement, and movement is how we change.