Many times, I feel like two separate people: the familiar failure and the capable stranger.
I see myself and my life thus far and find myself lacking. Personally, I never finished college, I didn’t go into an ‘accepted’ career, I never settled down fully into the role of mother. I have a published novella that feels like an unhappy accident. Daily I wrestle with anxiety and depression; there is a general and long lasting sense of hopelessness. What chance have I, my own familiar failure, of ever being good enough? Of accomplishing something real and true?
On a weekly basis, I attend quite a bit of therapy. Currently I’m in an IOP program again. This is my third bout. My capable stranger is the one who attends. That woman learns the tools, knows that not only are there good things on the horizon, but also that she can and will deal with the bad. She exists in my mind, but when I look in the mirror I can find no trace of her.
I know these two entities coexist within me. I understand that they don’t have to be mutually exclusive, that, in fact, it’s impossible for them to be. Whatever you are today, whoever you’ve been in the past, there is always still the hope of your future and what light will enfold you there.
Safe journeys, dear travellers.