Glimmer of a Path Not Discovered

As each new word drips from my fingers, the uncertainty paints the world in gloom.  If you could see me, would you smile?    It is within that smile, that knowledge, that I exist.  I wish only to be with you.  I long for your knowledge of me, but I live only in the shadows.  Your light is what I crave, but it is your brilliance that hides me so effectively.


There’s never been a point in my life where I didn’t wax lyrical.  Many have called it drama, but, beneath the slow growth of child to woman, there has always beat the need to share the depths that exist beyond a mortal’s eyes.  We artists who crave, who must, open our souls to those around us are forced to understand the cruelty of the world in a profoundly harsh way.  We are taught to hide who we are, to hide what we do, to flinch away from our very natures in an effort to conform.  To be solid in the eyes of the world.


Not all of us are meant for that.  Not all of us can.  There are those, those of the blackest and whitest souls, that can only manage the barest facsimile of the world’s view of humanity.  They are known as dreamers, as the least of people, for their distraction from what is “important”.


We dance with the angels, mastermind with demons.  We see the world as others cannot and we are mocked for it.


And then there are you, dear travelers.  You who reach out for the worlds that exist beyond your ken.  You reach for us, teach us to hope again.  Without you, we could not find the strength to resist those tides of ‘normality’.


Thank you, my readers, those who have strayed onto my path for a stride, for a mile, forever.  Your visit is that which makes these paths real.

Optimistic: Another Word For Irritating

Hello, travellers.  How has your day been?  Could you share one good thing that’s happened to you today?  One thing to be happy about, or accomplished?  Some news that gave you even a hint of hope?

Quite a few years ago I had an acquaintance–whom I thought was a friend– tell me that my optimism made me annoying.  This has stayed with me for well over a decade now.  When I was in high school, a series of events ended with my speech and debate team having to sleep in our coach’s house.  The next morning, I was the one to call down the stairs to wake many of my fellows.  They responded with a very loud ‘Shut up!’

It’s so easy to judge someone in a single moment.  To lash out for something that is, in the grand scheme of things, meaningless.  Those are the moments that stay with us, though, aren’t they?

I am occasionally surprised by my own reaction to something ‘small’ that happens.  Until I remember events such as those.  It’s a strike at an old wound.  It is unpleasant.  Knowing why I’m reacting so strongly does not make it any easier to survive these moments.  Revisiting them does not remove the pain from the past.

There does live, however, the knowledge that this has happened.  It is happening.  It will happen again.  And despite what anyone may call me, no matter how they might react to my cheer, even knowing it is hated by some, I am who I am.  The things I want to change about myself have nothing to do with how others perceive me.

Go forward, dear travellers, on the journey of your choice.  May your path be smooth.


I have a problem with motivation.  I can often gear myself up to do something new, to start working on a new habit.  I stick tightly to it, to my schedule.  And things go well.  Until they don’t.

Should something interrupt my pattern– sickness, surprise event, abrupt schedule change– things go south immediately.  I may be able to push through another time or two, but, slowly, I lose all momentum and just….


It’s a frustrating aspect of how my mind works.  I am aware of it, I can see it, I can even see what needs to be done to overcome the hurdle.  And then I won’t.  I’ll think about it, tell myself all of the reasons why I should do it, and, yet, still not take that first step.

It’s something I spoke with my therapist about recently.  The first step he had me take was to make a list of all the reasons why I wanted to pick up the activity.  Why I Want to Start Yoga Today.  It wasn’t a hugely comprehensive list, perhaps six or seven reasons.  Some of them were more meaningful than others, but they were all my valid reasons.  The next step, he told me, was to write out the list and read over it twice a day.  Once in the morning, once in the evening.  He did not tell me to guilt myself into starting that day.  Just read the list, twice a day, for one week.

It was an utterly surprising thought for me.  I am of the type that throws myself into a new project, utterly and completely.  Even knowing that it’s not the best way to get self motivated to do things, that’s still how I went about things.

It has been one week and I have started up yoga again.  Nothing too intense, and with a lot of grace towards self.  I don’t have to finish a whole work out.  Just starting up the app and doing a few minutes.  It’s been a relief in many ways.  One because I know that I am again working on something that helps me in the long term, but, also, having permission to not do it perfectly.

You don’t need to be perfect, dear travellers.  Continue on your journey, one step, and then another.  We search for movement, and that is attainable.