Looking back at my last post, I don’t feel like I offered anything to you, traveller. For that, I apologize. The bottom line question has worth, but the journey to get there was just as confused as my mind is on a day to day basis. Welcome to my world? A jest of sorts, for the both of us.
I have been wrestling, as you’ve no doubt guessed, with what to do about a particular set of circumstances in my life. That prompted the last post, and is the basis of this and probably next week’s as well. The price of sanity, wellness, and worth are not easily weighed.
When I was a child, I did not understand the intricacies and difficulties of losing one of the definitions of oneself. I have recently left a job I’ve held– I feel successfully–for years, a job tied with a project I’ve been a part of since the very beginning, seven years ago.
I find myself adrift in this transition, uncertain of how I feel and, more worrisome, who I am. When I think about it, I am overwhelmed. I swim in a sea of confusion, fear, and, yes, grief. The only answer I have is to go into this ocean of emotion and then break free of it, distracting myself with silly tv shows and lovely video games. All with the knowledge that in another hour, or the next day I must leap in again and try again to orient who and what I am within this new existence.
I am struggling, to be perfectly honest. I feel so lost and alone right now, even surrounded as I am by loved ones. I fear a piece of me has been ripped off with this transition, and I fear it was a bit of the core of who I am. A part of me that I’ve always been proud of and admired in myself. It feels gone now, this little chip of myself.
I hope this helps someone. I hope there is a resonance or a memory being made for further down the road for someone out there. It feels impossible, this ocean, but we are uniquely crafted to swim within it.
As ever, may your mind be clear, may your heart be full, and may you remember that you are a person of worth. Live your life as though you are valuable, for you truly are worth everything.