A Feeling of Worth

Looking back at my last post, I don’t feel like I offered anything to you, traveller.  For that, I apologize.  The bottom line question has worth, but the journey to get there was just as confused as my mind is on a day to day basis.  Welcome to my world?  A jest of sorts, for the both of us.

I have been wrestling, as you’ve no doubt guessed, with what to do about a particular set of circumstances in my life.  That prompted the last post, and is the basis of this and probably next week’s as well.  The price of sanity, wellness, and worth are not easily weighed.

When I was a child, I did not understand the intricacies and difficulties of losing one of the definitions of oneself.  I have recently left a job I’ve held– I feel successfully–for years, a job tied with a project I’ve been a part of since the very beginning, seven years ago.

I find myself adrift in this transition, uncertain of how I feel and, more worrisome, who I am.  When I think about it, I am overwhelmed.  I swim in a sea of confusion, fear, and, yes, grief.  The only answer I have is to go into this ocean of emotion and then break free of it, distracting myself with silly tv shows and lovely video games.  All with the knowledge that in another hour, or the  next day I must leap in again and try again to orient who and what I am within this new existence.

I am struggling, to be perfectly honest.  I feel so lost and alone right now, even surrounded as I am by loved ones.  I fear a piece of me has been ripped off with this transition, and I fear it was a bit of the core of who I am.  A part of me that I’ve always been proud of and admired in myself.  It feels gone now, this little chip of myself.

I hope this helps someone.  I hope there is a resonance or a memory being made for further down the road for someone out there.  It feels impossible, this ocean, but we are uniquely crafted to swim within it.

As ever, may your mind be clear, may your heart be full, and may you remember that you are a person of worth.  Live your life as though you are valuable, for you truly are worth everything.

Sanity’s Worth

Every day is it’s own kind of crisis.  As of late, each day has been its own special flavour of ‘nightmare’.  From the driver who nearly killed me twice on the highway to the catastrophic fail on the back end of a site I managed, each evening I am utterly drained.  I am guilty, currently, of focusing exclusively on the problems, enough so that I’ve let all else fall to the wayside: my writing, my self-care, my family.

It’s difficult to see this ‘failure’ in how I’ve been dealing with these different things in my life.   It’s harder to have your child agree that you’ve been short-tempered.  Even though my dear Spawn openly admitted that I had snapped at him, he also gracefully accepted my apology.

I often question what I’m doing with my life.  Playing around with entertainment sites rather than focusing on my projects.  I dug out my partial manuscripts–some more partial than others–and discovered I have eleven projects in various stages of completion.  Those sites, however, bring me pleasure and a sense of community, both key parts to self care.

Is it worth the time, energy, and emotion I put into it?  That’s the question, isn’t it?  Is there something in your life, dear reader, that seems to be a soul sucker rather than a spirit lifter? Is it worth your sanity to continue?

May your week be filled with peace and clarity.  May doors be open and your path enticing.

Yet Another BuJoer

I will admit to it.  I use a bullet journal.  For those who don’t know–and don’t quite want to follow the link to the system creator’s site currently–a bullet journal is a notebook used to swift daily/weekly/monthly planning and note taking.  I also use mine for journaling and my therapy homework.  Which simply proves the versatility of a bullet journal: you can use it any way that works for you.

There are so many videos about the how of a bujo and even different set-up ideas.  I highly recommend Boho Berry‘s series on them.  Of course, there’s also always Pinterest and Instagram for other ideas, too!

So here’s my why of my bujos.  Yes, I’ve upgraded to two, recently!

The first reason is that I have a mind like a sieve.  There have been numerous studies showing that writing things down is incredibly important for information retention.  The action of writing causes something very impressive and scientific that really sets the information in your mind.  I have always been exceedingly absent-minded.  Having a child made that worse.  My family often jokes about Momnesia, though I maintain my Spawn sucked out my brain juices whilst he was in the womb.  (He certainly obliterated my ability to handle caffeine, even now!)

A second reason is that I am visually inclined.  I like to see things written down and, in particular, pretty things.  So I have coloured pens and different sized black pens so I can make interesting designs and patterns to keep me engaged in keeping up with my bullet journals.  There’s also the ability to add in inspiring quotes and interesting thoughts and factoids.

Thirdly, my bujo is used for gentle daily planning.  Because I struggle with anxiety and depression, making a daily log is useful for keeping track of my GRAPES–if you have not read that post, I strongly suggest you do as it is incredibly useful tool to help with overall mental health, whether or not you’ve been diagnosed with anything!  Daily logs also help me to choose realistic goals for the day.  Writing ‘clean the entire house’ does nothing but overwhelm me, yet writing down that one of my long term goals is to get the house cleaned up, I can then break it down into smaller tasks that I can work on one at a time.  Those who are like me in the overwhelmed department will be able to see why such a tool is useful!

The final reason that I bullet journal is to keep a record of the things I’ve done.  My accomplishments are listed within those covers, and my ‘failures’ which show me what does and doesn’t work for me.  Life is a grand experiment, travelers!  And each day is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, who you are and who you want to be.

30 Definitions of Why

The last week has been filled with an incredibly amount of stress and frustration.  Of course that then feeds into the anxiety and depression, which increases the stress, and bam! Welcome back to the vicious cycle.

I have many therapy tools to help with the anxiety and depression, and it’s certainly time to put some into use.  Gratitude lists are a tool that I often see used particularly in bullet journals.  Today is the day to begin one: fostering the positives in my life rather than only the negatives.

Why don’t you make one for yourself today as well, dear traveller?  Together let’s find the things worth continuing on for.  Below you’ll find the start of my gratitude list, thirty reasons my life is worth living.

  1. Cloudy and overcast days
  2. Friends who listen to rants
  3. The warmth of an early day sun
  4. The incredible hard work of my staff members
  5. YouTubers
  6. My dogs
  7. Pancakes
  8. A delicious cup of tea in the mornings
  9. My spouse playing video games with me
  10. Volunteers and donations
  11. Wonderful books, new and re-reads
  12. Cute shirts
  13. Amazing therapists
  14. Couples counseling
  15. The Oxford comma
  16. DnD groups
  17. Brand new contacts
  18. When my favoured songs play on the radio
  19. Starbomb
  20. Brushing my teeth
  21. The moment when I realize I’m recovered from a sickness or injury
  22. Unsolicited hugs from my Spawn
  23. Writing the stories hidden within my mind
  24. The sound of pages printing
  25. Peel “pr0n” (This is not adult-rated content! lol)
  26. Puns
  27. Giving my dogs new bones
  28. Wood turning pens
  29. Sewing dragons
  30. The hope that my blog posts will someday help others