Growing Through Guilt

Hello, dear travellers.  I hope your day is fine and sunny, that your rain is sweet and pleasant, that your snow is cozy and packable.

It was quite chilly this morning but now I’m set-up at my favourite coffee shop, sipping my decaf, non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha with an extra pump of peppermint.  I’ve landed a wonderful table right by the windows and, thus, just a bit in the sun.  So I’m finally warmed up, and relaxed.

I have written perhaps six words, thus far.  Well, on my current project, anyway.  Today I was excited to see my publisher starting a new line of stories.  I was instantly alight with the desire to write a story for it, but there’s a bit much on my plate to do so solo.  It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!

My ‘this’ in this case (haha?) is a very good friend of mine, one might even say one of my best friends.  Actually, please do say that, because it is quite true.  She will be writing with me, if our synopsis is accepted and so I am doubly excited.  Not only do I have the chance to write in a scenario I’m very excited about, but I also have the chance to write with my best friend!  Double win!

Before I came to settle here and not actually work on my novella, I was at therapy.  We went over quite a few things, and I finally presented him with the one question I actually brought with me to the session.  And the answer was….  Fitting, yet entirely unsatisfactory.  My response of essentially those words made him laugh, and I had to join in.

Poetically, I believe in balance and nebulous thoughts and that certain something that makes the universe so mysterious.  Practically, however, I just want a checklist of things to do to make my bad feelings go away.  I want to know exactly when and why I should push through my anxiety and do some exposure therapy.  (Nothing dirty, my dears.  I know some of you are disappointed, but others are relieved.  Exposure therapy simply means to expose yourself to the thing that causes you anxiety.)  I also want a detailed list of when it is okay for me to simply retreat.

Like many things, though, it’s not that simple.  In the end, as always, I must use my own judgement to know whether to fight or flee.  Practice is the answer, says my therapist.  Practice and patience with yourself.  Some decisions are good for that situation and some are bad.  All you can do is learn from each of them.

And, in my case, come to terms with the fact that it really is okay if I can’t do something.

Safe paths on your journeys.  Every step is movement, and movement is how we change.

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